To Write Love on My Arms

Before you read, I want you all to know that this was a letter I was going to submit a while ago to the To Write Love on Her Arms site.
At first, I was embarassed by it only because I lived and because when I found it, i just felt stupid for doing it...
I didn't want anyone to read this had I lived, but now that I look back and read it, I think it should still be out there...
Not for me, but for those that didn't make it. For those that fought long like me if not longer and couldn't find the will to face themselves.
I still struggle, but I live. I live to do a few things. That's why I lived.
to tell what I lived..
So without further comments, I hope this reaches you in some way. It meant a lot to me, and hopefully it will to someone else.
Never forget that Hope is real and help is real.

------------------

HOPE.

I knew I was BROKEN.
Said things about not being perfect,
not being wanted,
not being whole.
Went along with scars
never healing
always bleeding
inside and out...
Crying every night.
Punishing myself for being
useless..
"Never gonna amount to anything"
"You're NOT appreciated, valued,
NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU!"

Drowned myself in darkness.
Let the hate and loneliness fill through me.
Until I couldn't breathe.
"Kill me," I told my mum one day.
Then smashed my head into the wall.
"I don't want to live anymore.."

Burned myself with cigarette butts,
Cut myself with knives, razors, scissors,
anything with a sharp ened.
anything that could do more than I could ever-
Stitches were okay with me.
I was already BROKEN anyways...

Tired of breathing and ruinging things...
Tired of living and screwing things up..
-But then I bought a shirt...
It said, "TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS"
And inside it said a story
similar to mind.
I sat there reading it and crying.
But one line made me lose it.
One line touched my boken heart..
"...This is a movement for BROKEN people..by BROKEN people..."

I'd never read or heard anyone use that work for humans except myself.
So automatically,
I felt a part of something.
I felt like there was someone out there
that understood for the first time...
I felt that even though no one knew what was going on with me,
someone knew my story.
And that's all I asked for..

It's simple to say that I'm fine now.
But really,
I'm anything BUT fine.
I'd like to keep going
and maybe change the world
but I don't think its my turn
to make a difference.
I may not be alone,
and maybe that's why I feel better going.
Knowing that I didn't leave alone
like I always thought I would.

Surely you understand the ending of my story now.
I sit here
NUMB
with only moments. minutes.
But I feel NOTHING.
Relief, maybe.
But only because it's time
and because I am glad a program like this exists.
Maybe it can help other people like me.
My story may not be too important.
As soon as this is over,
I'll be a number.
A number anong more numbers...
But that's okay.

So I'll leave you with this:
Insanity will set you free
And although it doesn't seem like it,
The flood behind me,
put out the fire inside me...
Hope is real.

Hope is real..

-Ally